Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
