I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
