Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
