Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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