Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I am available for nakedness
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
