i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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