hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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