did you get engaged???
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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