you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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