If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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