Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
