I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
