hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
