You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
