you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
