Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
