I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
