she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm having to shit out rocks
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