Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
