god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
