Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
