I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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