I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i think my cat just said my name.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
