i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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