i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
