My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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