farters have to be the big spoon...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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