Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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