Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
