Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize