For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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