i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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