Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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