i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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