It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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