he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
