I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
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I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
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I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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