i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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