i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
