hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
