omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
