i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
