I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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