i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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