new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
