I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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