the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
