you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
