There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
