last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
