You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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