So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
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Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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