We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am midnight drunk by noon
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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