remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
