areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
