what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
