So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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