so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So. Much. Porn.
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